Religion — most commented jokes

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

• Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
• Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
• Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
• Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

• Newspaper
• Other Book
• Television
• Divine Inspiration
• Word of mouth
• Near Death Experience
• Bible
• Other
• Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

• Tarot
• Lottery
• Horoscope
• Television
• Fortune cookies
• Ann Landers
• Self-help books
• Sex
• Biorhythms
• Alcohol or drugs
• Mantras
• Other: ________________________________________
• Insurance policies
• None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.

Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.

Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

(Author Unknown)

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other:

- Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said:

- I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted:

- Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him:

- God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed:

- Damn It! Missed again - the nun repeated her warning:

- God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out:

- Damn It! Missed again!.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied:

- Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said:

- Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa - then the nun whispers - She has the constipation.

The clerk said:

- Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says:

- You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says:

- You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!