Religion — most commented jokes

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well - said the demon - the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says:

- But they're both the same!

To which God replies:

- Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

- Devil: Why so glum?

- Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

- Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

- Guy: Sure I love to drink.

- Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

- Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

- Devil: You a smoker?

- Guy: You better believe it.

- Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!

- Guy: No way!

- Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

- Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

- Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

- Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...

- Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

- Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...

- Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!

- Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

- Devil: So... are you gay?

- Guy: Uh, no.

- Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

- Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said:

- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said:

- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!

Mother Superior said:

- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

Monsignor said:

- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:

- Wow, what a nice fish.

In reply, the sister said:

- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said:

- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said:

- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said:

- Stop! Don't do it!

- Why shouldn't I? - he said.

I said:

- Well, there's so much to live for!

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said:

- Die, heretic scum! - and pushed him off.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

- Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:

- I've never come this way before.

Other nun says:

- Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles.

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

- Well - said the American:

- I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.

- That's amazing! - said one of the doctors:

- But what happened to the other two?

- Last I saw them - replied the American:

- the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!