Ouch — most commented jokes

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.

Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face.
Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?"

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."

The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A family of ducks were walking down the road when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther down the road a family of skunks were walking the other way when the same 18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally met each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the road. Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"

What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?
→ A baby with a javellin through its head.

What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
→ Michael Jackson's hand!!