Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
"How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the crate!"

What are three words you dread the most while making love?
→ "Honey, I'm home."

- I'm suffering from bad breath

- You should do something about it!

- I did. I just sent my wife to the dentist.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"