Random joke from this category
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said:
- Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!
- I don't have to - the first lawyer replied. I only have to outrun you.
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.
They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.
The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
- Aren't you going to have a drink? - the doctor asked.
- AFTER the police get here - replies the lawyer.
What's the definition of lawyer?
→ The larval form of a politician.
Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.
A genie pops out. He says:
- I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.
The first guy says:
- I want a million dollars.
The genie says:
- Are you sure?
He says yes. poof The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.
The second guy says:
- I want a new car.
The genie says:
- A lawyer is getting two new cars then.
The guy says:
- Oh well. I want my car.
poof He has a new porche.
The third guy says:
- I want to be beaten half to death.
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
- Your honor, - he said - I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.
- Why? - asked the judge. - He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?
- Well, your honor, - replied Carlson - I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.
They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:
- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:
- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
- Of course not, dear - replied the mother. - Why would you think that?
- The tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked:
- What type of brain do you want?
- What type? - the woman asked.
- Yes, - replied the doctor - There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
- Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney.
- That's $250,000, - the doctor replied.
- Why so much? - the woman asked.
- That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs.
- Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain? - the doctor replied.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!
What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one in a million chance of being human.
