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Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.

After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively:

- Didn't he come with batteries?

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By Bill Adler

A Teenager is...

  • A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..
  • A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..
  • A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
  • Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
  • A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
  • A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
  • A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
  • An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
  • A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
  • A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
  • A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.
  • A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
  • A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
  • A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
  • An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
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A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them:

- Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!

They looked up at her puzzled and asked:

- Was he sick yesterday?

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From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

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