Elderly Jokes — most commented jokes

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

"Zelda, you've always been by my side"

"When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side"

"When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side"

"When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side"

"When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side"

"And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"............

"Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says, "Grandma, what's that?!?"

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, "That's my beaver, Johnny."

"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. "Mom, what's that?" asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says, "Johnny, that's my beaver."

Johnny replies, "I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!"

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back."

The old man replied, "So did my arthritis!"

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says 'I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream'.

The lady says 'OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.'

The man says 'Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate'.

The little old lady says 'OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone'.

The man, a little more irritated this time says 'Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla'.

The lady says V A N

The man says, 'OK, spell straw as in strawberry'.

The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, 'OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate'.

The lady says there ain't no fuck in chocolate.

The man says, 'Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!'

Life of a Senior Citizen...

• I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
• I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
• I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
• I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
• I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.
• I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
• I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .
  Absolutely nothing!
• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .
• I'm wondering . . If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I'm supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
• I'm a walking storeroom of facts . . .
  I've just lost the storeroom.

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!" "I doubt it," he said sadly, "I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me."

"Young man, witches can do anything," she said. "I'm going to perform a witch miracle." She said, "ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!"

He looked at her in disbelief, "Is this all true?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, "But to keep it true you must do one thing."

"Anything!" he said, "Anything!"

"You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me."

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, "Sonny, how old are you?"

"I'm thirty-two," he said.

"Tell me something, then," she said. "Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?"

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . ."

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, "Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married." He did.

"Now kiss me the way you used to..."

"Now darling, bite me the way you used to."

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, "Where are you going dear?"

"To get my teeth, dear," the husband replied.