Elderly Jokes — most commented jokes

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...

What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says...

"How soon do you have to know?"

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

What's 30 feet long and smells like urine?
→ A country line dance at the nursing home!

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember.

When finished, check your score below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Hamburg joints with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Slingshots
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Amos and Andy
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 = Kids are calling your sir/ma'am.

If you remembered 11-15 = You're older than dirt!

If you remembered 16-25 = Check your pulse now!

Old & New concerns for the baby boomers:

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
11. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
12. Hide and Go Pee
13. Simon Says something Incoherent
14. Doc, Doc Goose
15. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
16. Kick the Bucket
17. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
18. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
19. Sag, You're It