Elderly Jokes — most commented jokes

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

"I don't have one," she said.

"Well then, are you a friend of the groom?"

"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother!"

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:

• Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
• Never trust a fart.
• Never take a hard-on for granted.

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

How does an older woman keep her youth?
→ By giving him money!

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- Lady: ?eh?

- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- Lady: ?? EH??

- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!

You Know You're Getting Older When...

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
• You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
• Your back goes out more often than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
• The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference!"

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.

Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"