Elderly Jokes — most commented jokes

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

"It's windy," said one.

"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?
→ She wanted to rock and roll

- Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?

- Yes Mom.

- Your handwriting seems very large.

- Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

"Did god make you?", she asked.

"yes" he answered.

"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.

"yes", he replied.

"well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.

"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new."

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."

"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year."
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Fred: Well, you can have mine.

- How old is your wife?

- Approaching forty.

- From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

"That's right," said the old man. "Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead."

"Well, sir," said the interviewer, "I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday."

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, "I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"