Random joke from this category
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!
There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...
Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.
The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.
This continues for 2 glorious weeks.
When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?". To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'".
Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said, "I need this dress cleaned." The man said, "Come again?"
Monica replied, "No, it's just mustard."
When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:
A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?"
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing to between his legs.
Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says.
"Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants," she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles.
"You told me yesterday!"
There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.
One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.
The 60 yo started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night."
The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night."
The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.
"My only problem is that...
I don't wake up until noon!"
