Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:

- I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:

- Mama needs new clothes!

Then she hollered:

- YES! YES! I WON! I WON!

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:

- What did she roll?

The other answered:

- I thought YOU were watching!

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.

The mother went nuts and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

- All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue:

- For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added:

- For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says:

- I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.

The second guy says:

- I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids.

The third guy says:

- I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker.

They turn to the woman and ask her:

- What are you?

She replies:

- I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

- Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

- Patient: Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time.

The Doctor nods.

- Doctor: Hmm.

- Patient: My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?

- Doctor: Hmm.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled.

- Patient: Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?

The Doctor sighs.

- Doctor: No. The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies:

- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?

The Teacher says:

- Of course not Johnny,

To which Johnny replies:

- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.