Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• SCSI - System Can't See It
• BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• IBM - I Blame Microsoft
• CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WWW - World Wide Wait
• MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

Why can't dogs use computers?
→ Because you can't stick your head out of Windows XP

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?
→ It's cord wasn't long enough!

Remember when........

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

Did you hear about the new computer virus?

It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".

Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
   (A) Minor [ ]
   (B) Minor [ ]
   (C) Minor [ ]
   (D) Trivial [ ]
5. Nature of the problem:
   (A) Locked Up [ ]
   (B) Frozen [ ]
   (C) Hung [ ]
   (D) Shot [ ]
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes [ ] No [ ]
7. Is it turned on? Yes [ ] No [ ]
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes [ ] No [ ]
9. Have you made it worse? Yes [ ]
10. Have you read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No [ ]
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes [ ] No [ ]
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
19. How does this problem make you feel?
20. Tell me about your childhood.
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes [ ]