Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek...

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
11. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
12. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
13. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
14. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
15. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
16. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
17. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
18. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can't read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

- Caller: Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?

- Tech: Yes how can I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech: Excuse, you've stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?

- Caller: It came with the computer, I don't know of any promotion.

- Tech: Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?

- Caller: Yes, it says 4X!

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks "Would you like fries with that?"
7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.

John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

New York Jets Virus--Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus--Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.

SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.

EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS
C:\WINDOWS\GO
C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

<-------- The information went data way -------->

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.

COM Halted...

Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na na