Random joke from this category
How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.
How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.
How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.
What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
→ Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
New Words for the 2000s
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
10 reasons why a dog doesn't use a computer:
Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.
In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6.2. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3.0 and Flowers7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour7.0 or Beer6.1.
Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband1.0.
In summary, Husband1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood3.0 and Lingerie5.3.
Good Luck! Tech Support
Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."
Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return"
Unfortunately, the software worked...
How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!
How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!
