Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ 1,331

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
• 53 to flame the spell checkers.
• 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
• 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
• 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
• 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
• 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
• 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

MACINTOSH stands for...

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Songs to program by...

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?

Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody ...

Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.

Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!

Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?

I don't know, I don't know...

What sequence causes it to blow?

I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth."

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth."

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."

How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'

The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!'

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

- Ted: Last night my computer died.

- Ned: What did it die of?

- Ted: A terminal illness