At Work — most commented jokes

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
→ They're hiring.

Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls in the office had removed their clothes and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is a stock up, not an office party!"

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren.

Old Phrase → New Phrase

1. No fucking way → I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking → Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck → Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me → I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time → Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares → Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die → You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker → You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse → So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick → He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit → I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue → You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked → We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you → You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head → Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker → You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you → I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks → We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt → I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off → I'll look into that and get back to you

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."