At Work — most commented jokes

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

- Boss: My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?

- Dilbert: Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot.

- Boss: Oh, that's right.

- Wally: I wonder if he'll ever realise we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch."

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks." The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person."

The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me."

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.

Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.

The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore. "Ok, ok, you're the boss!" they gave in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.

It's done on a very high level.

There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.

And it takes two years to get any results.

- Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

- Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.