Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

What kind of money do fishermen make?
→ Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?
→ Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
→ A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
→ Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
→ 'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?
→ In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?
→ Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
→ Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
→ Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?
→ The loan shark!

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
→ A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
→ A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
→ Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?
→ It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?
→ A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
→ A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
→ You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
→ Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?
→ By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?
→ Because the sea weed!

Where are most fish found?
→ Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
→ A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
→ Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
→ Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
→ On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
→ Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
→ The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
→ A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
→ Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
→ I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
→ To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
→ The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
→ He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
→ In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
→ A starfish!

How do fish go into business?
→ The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
→ Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?
→ At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
→ A seahorse!

Which fish can perform operations?
→ A Sturgeon!

Where do little fishes go every morning?
→ To plaice school!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
→ A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
→ He prawned everything!

- 1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'

- 2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
→ Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
→ Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
→ A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
→ As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
→ To get to the other tide!

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?
→ Because he was a dirty double crosser!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldozer!

What has two legs and flies?
→ A pig!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
→ A cow that can milk itself!

Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?
→ Because he kept running out of the pen!

What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
→ Cold cream!

What game do cows play at parties?
→ Moosical chairs!

Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?
→ Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make!

Why was the lamb told off for being rude?
→ He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!

Why did the dirty chicken cross the road?
→ For some fowl purpose!

How do sheep keep warm in winter?
→ Central bleating!

How do chickens dance?
→ Chick to chick!

What do you call a crazy chicken?
→ A cuckoo-cluck!

What do you call a bull who tells jokes?
→ Laugh-a-bull!

What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
→ The milky baa kid!

What is a duck's favorite dance?
→ The quackstep!

Which dance will a chicken not do?
→ The foxtrot!

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
→ A woolly jumper!

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
→ A pigtail!

Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
→ To the moo-vies!

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
→ Plenty of milk!

Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?
→ Because he was a little gobbler!

Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?
→ To see Gregory Peck!

What kind of tie does a pig wear?
→ Pig's tie!

What is another name for a cow?
→ A lawn-mooer!

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
→ Because she was afraid someone would caesar!

What do you call a pig thief?
→ A hamburglar!

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
→ In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
→ A clotheshorse!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?
→ Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
→ A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?
→ Pen friends!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
→ An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
→ Udder nonsense!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
→ Use a cowculator!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
→ 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

What's a cows favorite vegetable?
→ A cowat!

Where do you take sick ponies?
→ To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
→ 'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
→ Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
→ A swine gut!

Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?
→ To get to the other side!

What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?
→ 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'!

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
→ Because eggs were going up!

What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?
→ A cloud!

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
→ An egg-splosion!