Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tasmanian Barbie ...spins like a top!

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever.

- Hey - says the bartender, No dogs allowed in the bar.

- Oh please? - begs the customer.

- You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals.

- You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar - says the bartender.

- No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded.

- That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?

- I don't know - confesses the owner, I've only had him for five years.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure Kemosabe - and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:

- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.

The pianist replies:

- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:

- What do you have in there, pal?

- A mongoose.

- What for?

- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.

- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.

- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.

- So is the mongoose.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

- Does your dog bite?

- No.

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.

- That's not my dog.

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal:

- What's your pleasure?

The seal replies:

- Anything but Canadian Club.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:

- Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!

- So? - asked the ducks former owner.

- did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says:

- Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.

So the Doberman says:

- I love liver and cheese.

The Collie replies:

- That's not good enough.

The Bulldog says:

- I hate liver and cheese.

She says:

- That's not creative enough.

Finally, the Chihuahua says:

- Liver alone . . . cheese mine.

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:

- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.

The other man replies:

- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!

The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!

The man says:

- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!

The bartender says:

- Oh, okay then.

The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!

The man says:

- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!

The bartender says:

- Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out:

- Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?