Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
→ Stop crying and viper your nose.

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
→ Slippers!

What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg?
→ Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.

The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

- Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you idiot.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says:

- For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

- Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? - she asked.

- No, thanks - replied the vultures.

- They're carrion.

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said:

- Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied:

- No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs.

Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
→ None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.