Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:

- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?

The dog answers:

- ROOF.

The bartender says:

- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.

The dogs owner says:

- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:

- Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?

The dog answers with a muffled:

- RUTH.

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says:

- DiMaggio?

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says:

- Sorry we don't serve snails

and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...

- What did you do that for!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:

- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!

A cowboy walks in to a bar and says:

- I want a beer.

So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.

He shouted:

- if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia.

So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.

A family of ducks were walking down the road when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther down the road a family of skunks were walking the other way when the same 18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally met each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the road. Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks:

- Dad, am I pure polar bear? - The dad replies - Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks:

- Mom, am I pure polar bear? - She answers - Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.

Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks:

- Grandmom... Grandpop... am I all polar bear? - His grandmother answers - Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?

The baby polar bears replies:

- Because I'm f****** freezing!

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.
Whose baby was it?
→ The elephant's!

What is a baby bee?
→ A little humbug.

What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
→ A bouncing baby boa.

What do baby pythons play with?
→ Rattle-snakes.