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What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.

He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him:

- Young man, you're much too young to smoke!

The kid looks up at the Pope and says:

- Fuck you!

The Pope is completely taken aback.

- What? - he says.

- You say that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to me? No, no, no, kid, fuck YOU!

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls:

- Before entering you must answer this simple question.

- Which is ...? - they replied in unison.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the first girl.

- Oh yes - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the golden key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the second girl.

- Oh, quite good - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the third girl.

- Oh no, not at all - she said.

- I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... my room key.

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him:

- What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.

- *A*unt, your Holiness.

The Pope didn't speak for a second.

- Oh.

He paused.

- Do you have an eraser?

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

- Quick, quick! - shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

- What should we do?

- Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination - says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

- What shall I do now? - she shouts.

- Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican - replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

- Now what? - shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

- Show him your cross - says Sister Mary Vincent.

- Now you're talking - says Sister Mary Agnes.

She then opens the window and shouts:

- Get the fuck off our car!

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.

- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.

- But she's a humble spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God.

- Wonderful - said Mr. Smith.

- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Paul says to Jesus:

- Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?

Jesus says:

- Just hanging around.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

- Oh look - says the 2nd nun...

- A soap dispenser.

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

- Look, hand cream!

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said:

- Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked:

- Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?

The dying man said:

- Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!