A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.
Jesus stepped in front of her and said:
- Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.
From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said:
- You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off.
What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
→ Virgin on the ridiculous.
What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
→ Another parish
There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said:
- Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?
The hooker replied:
- Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20.
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice:
- Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?
- Why reverend - the young thing replied.
- All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.
- Hmm. Well let me check - said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.
After several minutes, he raised his head and said:
- I don't hear any angels singing!
- Of course not reverend - she said.
- Your not plugged in yet.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says:
- I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says:
- My dad says he will marry my mum next year.
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says:
- My old man will never ever marry my mum.
The Nun looks up from her food and says:
- Would one of you bastards please pass the salt.
God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you?
God answered:
- Son, a million years to me is like a second to you.
So the man asks:
- God how much is a million dollars to you?
And God answered:
- Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you.
So the man asks:
- God, can I have one of your pennies?
And God answers:
- Just a second son.
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says:
- Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?
- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.
- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?
- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.
- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?
- Tommy: No.
- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?
- Tommy: No.
- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?
- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.
- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers:
- What happened?!
- Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.
