Most commented jokes

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The Canadian responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man! - says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:

- What will you take on your back?

And he responds:

- I'll take the Mexican!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure Kemosabe - and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running...

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

- I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.

- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

- I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...

- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

- When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

- I will think of a password other than "password."

- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...

- I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.

Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her:

- Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

- Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said:

- He looks like thts - as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

- Oh no, you horrible man - she replied.

- I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed:

- Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said:

- DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said:

- Gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said:

- DATA boy!

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said:

- COPULATE!

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office:

- Is this BEWARE I get a job?

COATROOM - The judge said:

- One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM.

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says:

- Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

- STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar! - interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again:

- People say about the Pope ...

- NO religion talk, either - the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom...

- I thought the Yankees would...

- NO sports talk... That's how fights start in bars! - the barman said.

- Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

- Sure, that we can talk about - replies the barkeep.

- GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says:

- Did you see that?... pointing to the sky.

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

- Yah, Ok - says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says:

- Yah, I SAW IT!

And the first guy says:

- Then why did you step in it?

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts:

- THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!

The front guy says:

- Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!