Most commented jokes

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

- He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once - John explained.

- Ex-Lax won't cure a cough! - Bob shouted angrily.

- Sure it will - John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

- Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

- So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying:

- Ehhhh... 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

- And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces:

- Five foot two!

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

- Just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying:

- MANDY!

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks:

- What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?

- Ohhhh, that! - replies the airhead... I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:

- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says:

- What the heck was that?

The old man replied:

- Half-time, Switch sides!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted:

- Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied:

- You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

- You must be an engineer - said the balloonist.

- I am - replied the woman.

- How did you know?

- Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. - answered the balloonist.

The woman below responded:

- You must be in management.

- I am - replied the balloonist.

- but how did you know?

- Well, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault! - said the woman.

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said:

- We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked:

- You mean two-by-fours, don't you?

The man said:

- I'll go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said:

- Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

- All right. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a moment and said:

- I'd better go check.

After a while, he returned to the office and said:

- A long time. We're gonna build a house...

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them:

- If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson:

- I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said:

- apple

- Very good - said the teacher - now B.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said:

- ball

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says:

- R...

- Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned:

- Actually I meant dress size.

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God:

- God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you.

God nods understandingly and says:

- I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?

The scientist says:

- Sure. What kind of contest?

- A man-making contest - God.

- Sure! No problem - the scientist.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says:

- Okay, I'm ready!

God replies:

- No, no, no... You go get your own dirt.