Most commented jokes

"Old" is when...

- your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

- you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

- "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

- "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

- an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

- English: I Love you

- Spanish: Te Amo

- French: Je T'aimes

- German: Ich Liebe Dich

- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

- Italian: Ti Amo

- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

- Swedish: Jag Alskar

- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:

- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said:

- Yes, 3 times.

- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"

- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued:

- And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?

"Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"

- Yes - he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded:

- Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
→ They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
→ Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
→ He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
→ By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances... He wants to spend more time with the kids!

You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.

He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.

After all... torque is cheap.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

- Oh, it's nothing to worry about - says the caretaker.

- He's just decomposing!

One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

- There must be something you would have of me - said God.

- Well, there is one thing - she said.

- Just name it - said God.

"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

- Consider it done - said God.

- Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.

- There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time - said the nun.

- Name it. Please - said God.

- It's the M&M's - said the nun.

- They're so hard to peel!