Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
- I'm about to close - the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says:
- I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!
The doctor hands him the thread and says:
- Go ahead...
Suture self!
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:
- he's a &^^%@)&!
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:
- My fellow scientists,
Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:
- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist:
- We are going to have to arrest you.
The scientist replied:
- For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!
The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
- Well! - retorted the police chief.
He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...
- Making an obscene clone fall...
Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said:
- Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation.
- Diesel fitter - he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained:
- When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.
Skill!...
- What skill? - yelled Sven.
- I sew the elastic on...
He pulls on it and says,.....
- Yep, diesel fitter.
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.
- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.
- Come on, I'll clean you!
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...
- Hey, lady!
- Yes? - she responded.
- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.
- No, not anymore - she answered.
- Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells:
- PULLOVER!
- NO - she yelled back over the sound of the siren:
- It's a SCARF!
Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.
How old are you?
→ Oral.
Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!
I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!
But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:
- My husbands home! My husband's home!
What a gal I married!
And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
- What are you doing? - asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"
The wife says:
- Tiger wouldn't do that.
- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
- NO - says the exhausted hubby!
- Well who are you calling then - she asks.
I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!
A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced:
- This is soup made with matzoh balls.
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to:
- Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it.
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
- That was delicious - he said, but I was wondering...
"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
