Most commented jokes

On the Menu

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile, - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - indeed I am!

The man replies:

- Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

The Oil Crisis

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Men Can't Win

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Fun Tongue Twister

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)

Kitten Gender Check

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:

- There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

- How did you know that? - his mother asked.

- Daddy picked them up and looked underneath - he replied.

- I think it's printed on the bottom!

The Japanese Bride

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said:

- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

Restoring Her Youth

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

- Who are these from? - she asked the nurse.

- They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

- Well - said the nurse.

- The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

- Ahhh, thats really nice - said Lucy.

- The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!

- Brilliant! - said Lucy.

- And the third?

- Thats from Eric in the burns unit - said the nurse.

- He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

One With the Land

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.

He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

- Yeah - says the city-slicker.

- Look - says the cowboy.

- he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!

Just then the Indian looks up.

- Covered wagon - he says.

- about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

- Incredible! - says the cousin to the cowboy.

- This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!

The Indian looks up and says:

- Ran over me about a half hour ago.

Soldier and Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said:

- I think I'll get up and get a coke.

- No problem - said the Soldier.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said:

- That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

- How long must this go on? - the Soldier asked.

- This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

Confucius Says Again

  1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
  2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
  3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
  4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
  5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
  6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
  7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
  8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
  9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
  10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
  11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
  12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
  13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
  14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
  15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
  16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
  17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
  18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.