One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said:
- Buffalo Come!
And the Lone Ranger said:
- How do you know Tonto?
Tonto replied:
- Ear stuck to ground...
Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.
Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":
- STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor
- BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
- HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
- DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono
- HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
- FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.
- THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
- MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
- THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
- THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
- THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys
- AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
- AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
- DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
- DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
- MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
- HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
- Nice pigs, Sir!
The President replied:
- These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:
- Nice trade, Sir!
Isn't this the truth!...
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
- Why are you eating grass? - he asked one man.
- We don't have any money for food. - the poor man replied.
- Oh, come along with me then.
- But sir, I have a wife with two children!
- Bring them along! And you, come with us too! - he said to the other man.
- But sir, I have a wife with six children! - the second man answered.
- Bring them as well!
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:
- Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied:
- No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!
Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:
- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!
- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?
His new bride matter of factly says:
- No, that's fine with me.
- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!
Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery IS NOT a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud:
- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.
The clerk behind the counter said:
- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.
- Really?
- Yes sir...they're called bullets!
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Request DENIED for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- does not have a degree
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work
- shows no fidelity to the workplace
- retires too early
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
