Most commented jokes

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage:

- Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively:

- So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

- Now try doing it with the engine running!

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked:

- You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?

- Of course I do. It is the Bible. - the lady replies!

- Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? - he asked.

- Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. - she replied.

- Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? - he asked.

- Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. - said the lady.

- What if he isn't in heaven? - the man asked sarcastically.

- Then YOU can ask him. - replied the lady!

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says:

- Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says:

- your right, I can't top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says:

- your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Oh, no laundry - the boy said - I'm going to wash my dog!

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

- Well - the boy replied - I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh? What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.

The wife says:

- how about Hanzel and Gretel?

Nah...they were white, her husband replied.

Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!

So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.

So he thinks a bit and then pops up:

- I got it!

We'll go as Heshey Bars!

- Heshey bars? - replies his wife... - are you nuts!

Exactly! One with nuts, and one without!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:

- What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says:

- I would switch one train to another track.

- What if the lever broke? - asks the inspector.

- I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever - answers Tom.

- What if that had been struck by lightning? - challenges the inspector.

- Then - Tom continues - I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

- What if the phone was busy?

- In that case - Tom argues - I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

- What if that had been vandalized?

- Oh, well - says Tom - in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks:

- Why would you do that?

- Because he's never seen a train crash!

Heart Attacks...
God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...
Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...
I married their king.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill it

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....
Then things get worse.

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says:

- Mom, look, I'm a white boy!

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says:

- Go show your father!

He goes to his dad in the living room and says:

- Look dad, I'm a white boy!

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says:

- Go show your Grandmother!

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says:

- Look granny, I'm a white boy!

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says:

- See. Did you learn anything from that?!

To which the boy replies:

- Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!