Most commented jokes

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too.

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says:

- I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says:

- Is there anything you want?

The husband says:

- No, I've got everything I need right here.

She asks:

- What's that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph...:

- I've got the airbag!

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

- So, are you feeling any better now? - says the little guy.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said:

- What's wrong honey?

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said:

- Mommy, where's my booger?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach piped up:

- That's nothing... You should see the back of mine!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:

- give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:

- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man say's to the bartender:

- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back:

- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says:

- alright lets try one more

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:

- lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out:

- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!

And the man replies:

- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says:

- Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says:

- Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up:

- Have you found Jesus? - the preacher asked.

- Nooo, I didn't! - said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says:

- Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

- Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone:

- My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...:

- Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper:

- This man - he announced - called in sick yesterday!

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator:

- Wow - he said - just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says:

- because I love you best.

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.