A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:
- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
- Of course not, dear - replied the mother.
- Why would you think that?
- The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked:
- What grade, miss?
- Eleventh! - she replied.
(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. He screamed:
- Good lord!
- one of the engines just caught fire!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs.
- Say, aren't those parachutes? - an alert passenger spoke up.
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on:
- But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?
- There isn't - replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
- We're going to get help.
- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- I hate everybody, and you're next.
- Please don't make me kill you.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
- Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
- Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
- You KNOW you want me.
- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
- Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Confucius Say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said:
- I forgot my teeth.
The man said:
- No problem.
With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
- Try these - he said.
The speaker tried them.
- Too loose - he said.
The man then said:
- I have another pair...try these.
The speaker tried them and responded:
- Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all. He then said:
- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.
The speaker said:
- They fit perfectly.
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him:
- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.
The man replied:
- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch:
- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says:
- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
- Yes, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know! - he replied.
Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ Because you can see right through him.
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. The police officer asked:
- So you buried all the politicians?
- Were they all dead?
The farmer answered:
- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.
