Most commented jokes

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

- Do you serve lawyers here?

- Sure do, - replied the bartender.

- Good, - said the man.

- Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ... Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor, - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly, - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
→ Take your foot off his head?
→ No.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
→ When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
→ There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
→ An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
→ From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
→ In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
→ A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
→ It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
→ Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
→ His personality.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says:

- Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???

Mike replies:

- No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.

- Yeah, I got me a couple of friends - the man said.

When told Egghead was a software store, the man said:

- Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked:

- What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!
13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

- Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

- Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech Rep: I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?

- Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

- Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

- Caller: No I didn't get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, '4X'

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks:

- Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said:

- No Rastus you cain't!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said:

- Alright if'n it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her:

- Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?

Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him:

- Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies:

- What's that?

- Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies:

- Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him:

- Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said:

- Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too.

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

- Well, what's that? - asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved:

- Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him:

- Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called:

- Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!

- I doubt it - he said sadly.

- I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

- Young man, witches can do anything - she said.

- I'm going to perform a witch miracle.

She said:

- ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief:

- Is this all true? - he asked.

- Of course - she said.

- But to keep it true you must do one thing.

- Anything! - he said.

- Anything!

- You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked:

- Sonny, how old are you?

- I'm thirty-two - he said.

- Tell me something, then - she said.

- Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
23. The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
24. I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
25. The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
26. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
27. A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
28. I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
29. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
30. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
31. I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
32. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
33. I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
34. I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
35. I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
36. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
37. I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
38. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
39. My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
40. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
41. My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
42. No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
43. The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
44. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
45. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
46. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
47. The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
48. The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
49. The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
50. There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
51. When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
52. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:

- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies:

- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says:

- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers:

- Well, so far, we've been lucky...