Most commented jokes

- Both look stupid in hats.

- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

- Both tend to have "hip" problems.

- Neither understand football.

- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

- Neither believe that silence is golden.

- Both constantly want back rubs.

- Neither can balance a checkbook.

- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

- Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

- Women look good in sweaters.

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

- You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"

- Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again

- Your phone bill is delivered in a box

- You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

- All of your friends have an @ in their names

- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.

- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape3.01"

- You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

- You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)

- Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button

- Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.
He is COMIN', master Yoda not far.
I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.
It is MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?
I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!
Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!
Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade).

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:

- OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.

- OK - said the man.

- And you may give her my silver.

- OK - said he.

- You will also give her my jewelry.

- OK - said the man.

- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.

- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been seen.

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked:

- What's wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:

- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked:

- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:

- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"

- Oh my God, - the other golfers said; - That must have been horrible!

- Horrible? You think it's horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief:

- It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.

- Follow me - he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious.

- If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there.

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

- Why is it so god damn cold down here? - Pete asks.

- Well you just try bending down for firewood!! - The devil replied.

BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

- Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather? - said one Herr Schwein.