Most commented jokes

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said:

- I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.

The second said:

- I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The third said:

- I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said:

- I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

Fifth surgeon said:

- I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . .

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says:

- Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes:

- Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says:

- That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers:

- I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

What is chemistry's greatest achievement?
→ Artificial blondes!

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .

What's long, black, and smells funny?
→ The Welfare LINE!

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

- I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job - George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

- This is a great day for France! - Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

- Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.' - George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

- For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks. - George Bush

- I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change. - Dan Quayle

- Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. - Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is. - Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

- I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland. - William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

- The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at. - George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

- I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me. - George Bush

- If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed. - Ronald Reagan

- My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. - Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

- Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. - Dan Quayle

- Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed. - Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

- Bite the wax tadpole. - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

- Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave. - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

- I am a jelly doughnut - English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

- We pray for MacArthur's erection. - sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. - from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

- It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant. - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

- I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that. - Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

- Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States. - Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

- Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused. - correction printed in The Daily Californian

- Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres! - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

- I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands? - announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION"
→ You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY"
→ You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY"
→ There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN"
→ Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
→ We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
→ We have no time to train you. (and/or) Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER"
→ Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
→ The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER"
→ We can't supply you with leads; (and/or) there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED"
→ Don't expect Management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS"
→ After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didn't want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

- But father - Ariel argued.

- with fronds like these, who needs anemones?