Most commented jokes

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

- What would you like to do next? - he asked.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. - One-twelve, - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:

- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?

- Wousy! - said the girl.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP! The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady then asked him:

- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?

- I'm sorry, - came the reply.

- But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

- Yeah, ma'am - he says to the barmaid - ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?

- Yeah? - says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar.

- If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue.

Life of a Senior Citizen...

- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

- I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

- I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .

Absolutely nothing!

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

- I'm wondering . . If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts . . .

I've just lost the storeroom.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman pinscher.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
→ Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular:

- Lawyers are horses' asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up:

- Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
→ Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

- I don't understand, - Cindy complained.

- When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested:

- Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

- Look, - said one to the other,

- Let's be honest with each other.

- Okay, you first, - replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

- All set back here, Captain, - came the reply,

- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said:

- Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

- There's a big fire across the street, - the doctor replied.

- We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.

- Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.

You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
→ A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
→ Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
→ If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true:

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor, - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
→ You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
→ A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced:

- I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.

- Sit down, - said the judge.

- That is the prosecuting attorney.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question:

- Have you ever been arrested?

- No, - he answered.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it:

- Never got caught.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
→ Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
→ Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
→ The vulture eventually lets go.

- Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

- Person 2: Why do you say that?

- Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

- Well, - said the general - we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said:

- you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said:

- you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows:

- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said:

- And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:

- Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?

- Really? - the other replied:

- Why did you switch?

- Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.