Women Jokes — best jokes

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
→ Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.

- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

- Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

- Woman: Excuse me God?

- God: Yes

- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

POOF Man was created.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies:

- He's a midget!

- He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

- She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

- He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

- She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

- He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

- She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

- She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She said... Well, you succeeded.

- Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

- She said... 'Who's gonna look?'

- He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

- She said... No, have you?

- He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

- She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

- He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

- She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

- He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!

Some lessons learned in life:

- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Never lick a steak knife.

- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

- "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.