Women Jokes — best jokes

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"

They are:

• Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
• Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
• Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
• Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
• Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
• Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
• Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.
• Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
• Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
• Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular."

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.

"What do you do?" she asked him. "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are available?"

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Which secretary does the manager select to retain????????
→ Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
"If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."

Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."