Situations — best jokes

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..."

"Painting?" the woman jumped in.

"Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work.

"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."

"Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paints were also around back in the garage.

A few hours later, the man returns to the door.

"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.

"Oh yes Ma'am, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man says.

"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

- My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!

- Did they wake you?

- Nah.... I was up playing my bagpipes.

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"

- It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.

- Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"