Situations — best jokes

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

- Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.

- Guest: I'll make my own bed.

- Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. 'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.

The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"

The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says, "What are you doing?"

Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.

He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."

Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."

He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he accidentally drops the watch.

He says, "Shit."

It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."

This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.

"That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know."

"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter: "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"