Random joke from this category
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you really ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she said, "and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000." She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount." He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back." She said, "They will be there when you get home." He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome." She said, "When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."
Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me." He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)
and last but not least...
