Situations — best jokes

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

- Who is this incredibly fine archer? - cried the duke.

- I must find him!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

- You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? - asked the duke worriedly.

- No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

- That is truly astonishing - said the duke.

- I hereby admit you into my service.

The boy thanked him profusely.

- But I must ask one favor in return - the duke continued.

- You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

- Well, - said the boy - first I fire the arrow at the tree......and then I paint the target around it.

More One-liners worth passing on...

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed:

- I can't break this! I need exact change.

- Come on buddy. - Jack pleaded

- Can't you give me a break, just this once?

- Nope. Sorry. Exact change! - Answered the collector.

While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector:

- Do you really like this job?

- Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills - replied the collector.

- what do you do for a living? - he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said:

- I'm a rectum stretcher.

- A what? - asked the collector.

- A rectum stretcher. - Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

- What does a rectum stretcher do? - The collector asked.

- Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums. - Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

- Wow, is there much call for that kind of work? - The collector asked.

- Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend. - Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked:

- Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?

- ...How big do I stretch them? - Jack interupted.

- Most of them, not too big - He continued

- but I have stretched some up to six feet.

- SIX FEET! - The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack.

- Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered:

- Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.

If airlines sold paint...

- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

- Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

- Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

- Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

- Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

- Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

- Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

- Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

- Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

- Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

- Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

- Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

- Customer: You've got to be &%^#@ kidding!

- Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

- Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

- Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

- Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

- Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

- Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

- Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

- Customer: WHAT?

- Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

- Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

- Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

- Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

- Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

- Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

- Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

- Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

- Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

- Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

- Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

- Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

- Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

- Customer: You're insane!

- Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say:

- I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?

• Who was the first person to say:

- See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will ,make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
19. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."