Random joke from this category
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"
"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.
"If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
- Shut Up: Shut Up!
- Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
- Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
- Officer: Where's your Manners?
- Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.
They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:
- Police Officer #1: What's your name?
- Shutup: Shutup.
- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?
- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"
The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."
To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.
The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"
The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"
Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.
"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."
They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and your registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't."
"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" the officer asked.
"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."
"Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
