Mom/Dad Jokes — best jokes

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
11. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
12. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
13. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
14. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
15. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
16. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
17. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
18. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
19. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

A Teenager is...

• A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
• A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
• A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
• Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
• A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
• A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
• A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
• An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
• A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
• A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
• A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
• A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
• A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
• A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
• An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

- What did you name her?!?

- Denise!

- Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?

- The second one was a boy.

- Oh, and what did you name him?

- Denephew.

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

"What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat Dad?"

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says "where is missy?"

Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street."