Men Jokes — best jokes

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Technology for the Country Folk

What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border.

• LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
• LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
• MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
• DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
• MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
• FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
• RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
• HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
• PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
• WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
• SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
• BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
• MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
• MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
• DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
• LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
• KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
• SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
• MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
• MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
• PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
• ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
• RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
• MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

When should you care for a man's company?
→ When he owns it.

What is defference between man and Superman?
→ Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease?"

Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
→ A rumor

As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.

It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the front of his head, it's because he's a great thinker.

Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it's because he's sexy.

Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, he only thinks he's sexy...

There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent
He put it in double
To save himself trouble
Instead of coming he went

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?