Men Jokes — best jokes

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?"

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

• They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.
• You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
• They last longer and come with a warranty.
• You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
• They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
• They come in fashion colors.
• You can keep them in maximum zoom.
• They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
• The parts that count are portable.
• They don't mind over-exposure.
• They respond to the slightest touch.
• The one you want is available at a KMART near you

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

• Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
• Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
• Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
• Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
• Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
• Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
• Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
• Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
• Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
• Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
• Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
• Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
• Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
• Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
• Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
• Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
• Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
• Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
• Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
• Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.