Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....

Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:

"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."

To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"