Marriage Jokes — best jokes

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."

"Yeah?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

A coupla Aggies, Buck and Thurleen, married after graduating from Texas A&M, are driving from Dallas down to a motel in Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Buck reaches over and puts his hand on Thurleen's knee.

Thurleen smiles, blushes and says, "Oh Buck, we're married now, you can go farther than that!"

So he drove on to Laredo.

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride.

"Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."

I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money.

"No no!" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."