Marriage Jokes — best jokes

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"

"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."

"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"

"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"

"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"

"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

What's the penalty for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?

- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

- Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

- Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

- Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

- Father: Then why are telling me all this?

- Man: I am telling everybody ...

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
→ He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait